Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
