TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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