I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
