Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
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