I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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