Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
