I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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