I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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