The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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