I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
