Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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