i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
