Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
