It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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