does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Randomize
