planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
