he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
