its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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