I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
