took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
