addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
