please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
