Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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