1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dicks are not precious.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
