I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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