I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
