turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
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He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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