I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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