I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm eating all of the evidence.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
