Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
