I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Houston, we have a blender
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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