smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
