The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
