I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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