So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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