he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
