I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
