So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
