normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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