Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
