Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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