I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
