It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
