just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
