My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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