LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
