I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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