She tied me up with her honor cords...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
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After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
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He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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