my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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