1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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