We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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