Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
