Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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