You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just found puke in my bra..
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
