I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Randomize
