Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
