I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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