Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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